The last year...

Well, my blogging hasn't quite gone to plan, it has been two years since i set this blog up and i have done nothing! However, so much has happened. My sister who was poorly is now better, however, my mum was also sick, she didn't make it. Passing away on the 26th February 2015.  So i spent the better part of last year grieving, sorting out my relationship and then finding out I was pregnant.

Looking after my mum in those final few weeks was so hard. We had spent Christmas in New York, a wonderful present from our parents. Little did we know as we danced around Time Square, that the reason we were there is because Mum wanted us to have her final Christmas doing something magical. Living blissfully ignorant to what we were about to be told. Some of you might think her actions selfish or wrong. Or she deprived us of that last family Christmas together. However, a mother's love and her way of being happy was for us to be happy. She didn't want that Christmas to be filled with tears, having to tell us that her second round of Chemo still wasn't doing the trick. That although her cancer had returned just 6 months after having had Chemo, Radiotherapy and a Mastectomy, that there was really no hope and this round was just buying her time.

We got back from New York just before New Year, and my sister went straight from the airport to my parents house, while i returned home to Suffolk. I hadn't seen Mark over Christmas, as he had to stay behind as his son was due to spend the holiday with him, and he was heading away just after the New Year to go on various exercise and wouldn't be back until the April.

New Year came and went and my sister kept going on at me about how i must visit Mum, i remember at the time thinking how odd it was. I had planned to visit her in the second weekend of January, as that's the soonest i could get there. When i got there i knew something was wrong, and mum told me that night at dinner. The cancer was too aggressive, she didn't have long left, she had an appointment on the 22nd January to find out exactly what her future looked like.

I cried and then i was angry! How could she do this! How could she send us away at Christmas, right there and then i felt robbed. However, i quickly realised why she had done it and i cried again. It was typical mum, putting Sam and I first, she had always done it and even now in the 11th hour, she was still doing the same. Even now thinking about it makes me feel weepy inside. There is nothing quite like a mother's love.

I felt alone, Mark was away in the States and i made the decision not to tell him. Yes, maybe it was selfish of me. However, he couldn't come home, and i didn't have the emotional capacity to support him while trying to support myself. Having to help him deal with the guilt of him not being there.

I decided to leave my job and spend the last few weeks with her, my sister did the same. People never understood why we did that, but you can get another job. You can't get another mum, you can't get that time back once it's gone.

On the 22nd, we went to the hospital, to be told mum had maybe 6-8 weeks. However, there was another Chemo treatment she could try that might give her longer, maybe a week or two. She would be sick during that time, she probably wouldn't feel like doing anything and after all the extra treatment it might not give her any extra time. Dad cried, Sam cried, i didn't. Not because i didn't care, but for mum. She knew i loved her, but it was so much for her to deal with. My dad begged her to do the treatment. I knew she didn't want too, she was tired, she had been fighting the disease for 2 years. Life had played her, her final hand and she was out. Nothing could be done to change her fate. Despite that she agreed, she agreed to have more treatment.

Depression set in, the next day she was so low. She didn't want the treatment, i knew that. I told her, she must do what she wants. If she wants to enjoy her last few weeks treatment free then she should.

There had been a lot of strain on Mark and my relationship, due to various reasons. I couldn't cope anymore, so i broke up with him! Why? I needed to focus on me, i was so emotionally drained i couldn't deal with the shit that was between us. I couldn't handle anymore broken promises and decided it was better to be alone. Although he never went far, we spoke once a week, as we knew we loved each other. I just needed him to keep the promises he'd made me the year before. I needed him to be the man i knew he could be.

It wasn't until the end i told him mum was dying. Then as i predicted, he felt guilt, i had to support him because he couldn't do anything to help. His Nan had also passed away at the end of January, so i was helping him deal with that as well.

The finally 5/6 weeks passed far too quickly, treatment free so mum could at least enjoy her time. She passed away on the Thursday around 9pm at night, only two days after being rushed to the hospice. My sister had gone back to Scotland the week before and rushed back down on Wednesday morning. Although by then, mum was slipping in and out of consciousness as her body slowly shut down.

We held the funeral on the day before Mothers Day, which was hard for my sister and I. I don't even think it occurred to our dad. He was so involved in his own grief he didn't have time for anyone or anything else. Again guilt will do that. Although Mark was back in the country briefly, he didn't come to the funeral. He asked if he could, but i couldn't handle him being there. I needed to find a way of coping on my own. I heard from his family, some lovely messages were sent to me that morning. However, that was the last, i replied to them at the end of the day thanking them and telling them it had been a nice funeral, what mum wanted. They never messaged me back...

Mark went away again and I bundled my grief into my suitcase and took one last look at the place that had been my home for two months and headed back to my life in Suffolk. To "start again", to discover the person i was now, to try and rebuild my relationship with Mark (when he returned in the May), and to find a new job...

P.S Obviously i started the post saying about being pregnant. Mark and I sorted out our issues and we welcomed our son into the world on the 19th March 2016 at 9.01am.

Hello...

I already have a couple of blogs floating around. However, this evening my wonderful other half suggested it might be a good idea to write about being the other half of a squaddie couple. I thought this could be a good, as i see a lot from army wives floating around the internet, however, there isn't much about army girlfriends. I know what you thinking and i am sure this will upset a few actually army wives, that my blog title has squaddie wife in it. Well the only reason for that is because wife rhymes with life.

So i imagine from time to time i will write on this blog about all the wonderful things that annoy me about the army, army wives, the government, CRAZY ex girlfriends, and also what it is like to be with a squaddie. The reason i thought that this blog would be a good idea, is because at time i need an outlet, and people on "civvie" street, as its known, don't fully understand. For example, i mentioned to my boss my other half was away for 3 weeks and i'd miss him. His response was, well its not like it's a surprise, you did get with a squaddie after all. Now these comments annoy me; yes i know he would be away at times, but you can't help who you love! Also i find it amazing how many people, make comments like this just because you're with a squaddie. However, if you told them they couldn't see there other half that they see EVERY night for a week it would be a different story.

Anyway, i'm rambling before i have even start the blog and this was just meant to be an introduction post. So without further ado, i introduce my Squaddie girlfriend blog and will leave the ranting to another post.